


For the monsters that I've been.

by fadingdreams



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Army AU, M/M, One Shot, larry stylinson - Freeform, lourry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-26
Updated: 2013-03-26
Packaged: 2017-12-06 14:22:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/736654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fadingdreams/pseuds/fadingdreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry's breaking and cracking under the burdens of his own mistakes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For the monsters that I've been.

**Author's Note:**

> One Shot based on the song Just Sleep - My Chemical Romance.   
> XX Enjoy.

The whole ground shook, all Harry saw was a layer of dust at where he was, eyes on the red sand of the desert. His gun hoisted on his shoulder, finger on the trigger, ready to shoot without a thought. Three men crouched near in similar positions, breaths quiet and calm. Harry’s green eyes narrowed, barely at level with the base. He curled his toes in his boots and shuffled silently.

_“Shoot immediately. On any movement at all.”_

A little face poked out from behind the barbed fence. Three bullets shot out from near him, all missed the mark. Harry closed his eyes and pulled the trigger, he let the bullet fly free. A soft thump and a tear leaked out from under his eyelids.

-

_Dear Harry,_

_How are you? You didn’t call on Sunday, I was worried. Hope everything’s alright. I miss you so much, we all do back home. I can’t wait for you to be crawling into bed with me again, to cuddle you again. You probably should come home though; those bloody toddlers are driving me up the wall in the nursery. They just love finger painting, and that’s the reason for your white jumper being now rainbow colored. I recorded Masterchef Australia for you; I haven’t watched it yet either, waiting for your culinary feedback, I don’t know what half of those ingredients are. I’ve been eating just takeout babe, you know I’d burn the house down._

_Please be okay, I love you so much.  
Lou. XXX_

_-_

Cheek pressed to a brick wall, eyes sneakily peeking into the enemy base, for a minute he thought about just ordering his men off the battlefield, telling everyone to just go home, back to families and innocence. But he stiffened his back and ran two fingers over the stars on his Lieutenant General badges, he raised a hand to beckon his soldiers forward, and they ambushed.

Men fell to his feet in pools of blood as he pressed through the hordes. The brothers around him laughed, counting their kills, it was sick. But he kept going, saving his bullets, using them, resetting his gun, and firing. It was a vicious circle.

All movement had ceased, there was nobody left, he stood alone, surrounded by bodies, ten of his twelve soldiers standing victorious.

The voice that gave orders was cold and detached, far from his own. “Look for survivors; we take them back as captives, _alive._ ”

-

The silence of the base was deafening, it made the screams sound even louder. Gun across his chest, Harry was face to face with a grey, brick wall.

_“What do you know? Tell me.”_

_“Never.”_

A slashing sound was heard, another scream accompanied it. Harry shut his eyes tight, with every agonized yell, his heart weigh heavier. This man, who was fighting so hard for his country, and what he stood for, nobody even knew his name. He took pain and more pain, bullets and slices. He was kept alive, but only so, enough to speak.

His lids squeezed shut and Harry sent up a prayer, not for himself, he didn’t deserve forgiveness, but for this nameless fighter. With the last shrill scream, the door of the cell opened, army general walking out. Harry’s fingers flew to his temples; he saluted more out of habit than respect. The older man brushed his hands off, as if he had just eaten dinner and nodded, ordering for the body to be removed.

-

Dear Louis,

I know I didn’t call, I just didn’t think I could speak without falling to pieces. I’ve been at this base for more than a month now, and that’s how long I’ve been detached, the thought of hearing your voice again brings on so many emotions, some good some bad. I’ll see you soon love; I’ll watch Masterchef with you, and cook you breakfast. I’ll cuddle you and come with you to class and ruin some more jumpers.

I need to come home Lou. And I’m going to be there soon. I don’t know how much longer I can actually survive here.

Love you too. Harry.

XXXXXXX

-

Blinding pain, Harry saw white behind his eyelids as he fell to the ground. Fire erupted and ran through the flesh of his right leg. He screamed, but could barely hear the agony through the blood pumping in his ears.

Thigh burning and smarting and throbbing, he opened one of his teary eyes and breathed in deep, trying to ignore the pain, but alas it couldn’t be done. The more he tried to breathe, the worse it got. Suffocation and darkness tinged the edges of his vision, collar on his jacket closing onto his neck. His body shook with tremors, and he writhed in hurt, mouth falling open in a silent cry and eyes clenched shut in defiance of the pain.

In his mind’s eye, all he saw was children falling, men dying at his trigger. If he died today it would have been well deserved. The last thing he saw before he blacked out was a flash of blue eyes and a lilted voice in his ear, telling him to fight.

-

His leg may have been in a cast, and he may be dependent on a wheel chair, but Lieutenant Harry Styles had never been happier to see London again.  It wasn’t the same though, as he was pushed outside, he felt older and more tired, visions of blood and gore never far from his restless mind.

Louis was waiting for him, wispy hair parted floppily to the side, one of Harry’s baggy sweaters falling off his shoulder; his blue eyes sparkled as he ran towards his boyfriend. With Louis back in his arms, paint and aftershave tickling his nose, he was back home.

-

Harry looked like death as he was wheeled outside of the airport by one of his officers. Face pale and uniform hanging off his thin body. There was a dark brown gash under his right eye, and a black-purple bruise on the sharp of his cheek. His bottom lip was cut down the middle, curly hair hanging limp around the hollow jaw. His leg lay awkwardly in the cast, Harry Styles looked like the ghost of a fighter, and that was the worst kind.

Louis ran forward, falling to his knees in front of the love of his life. He put a finger under Harry’s sharp chin and pulled him closer, bringing their lips together softly. The officer, sensing that his leader was in good hands, left with discretion to join the rest of the soldiers reuniting with teary families.

“Heroic bastard.” Louis whispered against Harry’s cheek. “Don’t you dare do that ever again. I was worried sick when I heard, you put me through hell.”

Harry gave a cheeky grin, some of his youth returning to green eyes, “Never again.” He promised.

-

Louis awoke from his sleep, with a fist to the head. He cried out silently in pain and turned, seeing stars. Even in his sickly state, Harry was strong, and he had just landed a blow to Louis’ temple. The curly haired man thrashed about, silently weeping as he jostled his leg more than he should have. He was in an unconscious state of unease.

“I didn’t mean to, I swear. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He mumbled, forehead glistening with beads of sweat. Louis shook his shoulders and begged him to break out of whatever nightmare he was having. Louis had no idea what he was seeing in his head, but it sounded torturous, and he couldn’t see his boy in pain anymore.

“Harry _please_ ,” he begged. “Wake up.”

Lids flew open to reveal crazed green eyes. Harry looked around in panic, but all he saw was his boyfriend’s face and kind blue eyes. He clung onto Louis’ body desperately, all the cracks in his tough demeanor gaping wide, vulnerabilities shining through. Tears clung to his long eyelashes; they brushed his hollowed sockets as he tried to rid himself of the guilt plaguing his mind.

“I’m – I don’t deserve to be alive.” He whispered into Louis’ shoulder. The blue eyed boy was visibly shaken, and he held Harry by the shoulders firmly, pressing kisses to the corner of his mouth.

“Don’t you ever say that Harry. You deserve everything you have, you –you belong with me.”

Harry sighed. “I don’t…” he lay back on the pillows, pulling away from Louis. His eyes glazed over, he was detaching himself again, it was what he did to get rid of the guilt. Others drank and tried to forget about the horror, but Harry never could. He found that if he refused to feel his emotions, they would find no way to riddle him into a mess again.

-

Louis peeked onto the porch of their house, a curly mop of hair poked above the chair, moonlight making it look like a halo. Harry’s newly healed legs were curled into his chest and a cup of tea lay untouched near his feet. Louis walked forward to wrap his arms around Harry’s neck, the minute he touched his boyfriend’s shoulder the younger man jerked violently, spinning around to pin Louis to the wall by his neck. Harry let go immediately when he saw Louis choking under his strong grasp, but the feather haired man didn’t miss the flash of fear the green eyes held.

“Shit Harry.”

His blue eyes watered as he sunk to the ground, Harry sunk with him, arms holding him tight, apologies filling his ears.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I swear, I didn’t mean to. I don’t know what happened –“

Once Louis stopped choking, he cupped Harry’s jaw in his palm and pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek. "Relax Harry no big deal. You’re just a bit jittery. I mean, who wouldn’t be.”

“That’s no excuse for me to act like a lunatic. You don’t understand Lou.”

“Understand what?” Louis inquired, looking into Harry’s eyes which were troubled and dark.

“I don’t want –“, Harry cleared his throat. “I don’t want to put that kind of burden on you.”

“What am I here for?” Louis teased.  “Babe, you don’t have to do this alone, to love you means I get to share your happiness and your pain. I’m stronger than you think.”

“I know, I know. It’s just –“

“Try me.” Louis encouraged.

Harry took a deep breath. “I’m losing myself Louis, I don’t know myself. The things I’ve done –the people I’ve –“, Harry stuttered, unable to state the truth of his life. “The day before I stopped calling you, I was at base, and the order was to shoot on any movement. A child –he wandered into the trap and my soldiers they missed, but then I- I shot.” He whispered, choking on words.

“Harry –“, Louis started, only to be cut off by Harry’s yells.

“I shot a child Louis! A child! He couldn’t have been more than seven, and I just took his life when it wasn’t mine to take! When did I become so, thoughtless so –cruel. Children were never part of this war, I told myself that when I began this, but the people I’ve killed, they haunt me everywhere.  I see their faces in the mirrors and behind my eyelids when I sleep. I haven’t slept since I got back, did you know? I’m scared of my own bloody shadow, I can’t get rid of it, they follow me everywhere. So many live I could have saved, so many families that could still be whole I -Louis   
-help me.” Harry said brokenly. His green eyes had lost their fight and his cheeks were more sunken than ever.

Louis pulled Harry into his arms and whispered into his hair, tears wetting the curly locks. “I’ll help you”, he mumbled “I’ll help you. Just sleep now. ”

Louis couldn’t dare to imagine what Harry had seen, god forbid what he’d done. Louis had known Harry since the boy was sixteen; he used to be the quietest, strongest, most gentle person. It was the kindness in his heart that had been the catch for Louis. When his family had desperately needed the money, Harry had made the rash decision of doing the noblest thing he could. His loyalty and strength had got him to the highest ranks in the office, but his mind seemed to be no longer his own. But Louis knew that Harry was resurfacing, and he was determined to stay by his side.

And they both fell asleep on the porch until the morning light shone on their lives. They woke up with stiff necks and broken voices, but they were together, and they were whole. If that couldn’t count for something, then nothing could. 


End file.
